Friday, August 12, 2011

Still Fighting After Five Months

There is nothing about this post that is easy to say or admit, but I feel that it needs to be said because I’ve come across some people recently that just don’t seem to get it and I fear that I'm damaging relationships that are important to me.  Please be aware that I'm not looking for pity, I'm looking for understanding and patience.

At the time of my accident, I knew very little about traumatic brain injuries.  Never in a million years did I ever think that recovering from one would be such a great challenge both physically and psychologically.  Every injury is different depending on the part of the brain that was injured, and therefore, every person’s recovery is different.  One thing that seems to be in common is that it takes time to heal.

In my particular case, the psychological effects of the injury have taken a rather large toll on my life.  My personality has changed and my behavior has changed.  Social interactions are particularly difficult because I sometimes say or do something inappropriate or in some way odd.  I’m fully aware that I do certain things, but it seems to be after the fact that I realize Oh, I guess I shouldn’t have said that because it was kind of rude.

I’ve recently began to question the direction that some of my social relationships have taken since my brain injury.  A few friends have pulled away while some have gotten closer to me.  As a single woman with no children and a family that lives far away, my social relationships are very important to me.  There have been times when I sense a relationship slipping away and it’s as if I’m desperately trying to hold on.  I get the hints that I’m not wanted, but I can’t seem to let go because I’m so afraid of being alone.  I feel that I’ve become selfish and overly needy and it’s as if I’m driving a wedge between my long time friends and me.

As some of this has become apparent to me over the last several weeks, or month, whatever, I’ve slipped into depression.  I’ve fought it off and on during my recovery, but the last few weeks have probably been the worst in my life.  This isn’t uncommon for people who have a TBI.  I’ve often wondered if I was suffering from depression occasionally for many years.  However, this is different.  This isn’t depression where I feel sad for a few days because a few things went wrong.  This is completely debilitating depression that lasts day after day.  There have been days when it’s too much effort even to get out of bed and I’ve lost interest in most things I once loved.  I haven’t been able to eat, sleep, or focus on tasks.  I cry every single day and it’s not always just a few tears, it’s sobbing.  The pain is so intense at times that I become willing to go to great lengths to make it go away.

Unfortunately, during these times I sometimes act in a manner that’s even worse.  I’ll say or do things that are, quite frankly, ridiculous.  Friends will say something to me later about what was going on and I don’t always remember what I said or did.  In fact, more often than not, I don’t remember details of what happened.  For example, last week might as well have not existed.  Sure, I went into work, but I wasn’t at work.  I had lunch with a good friend, but I have no idea what we talked about.  Same goes for phone calls, emails, texts, tweets, Facebook status updates… it’s all a blur. 

I’ve had people interact with me that are clearly annoyed by my behavior, and the first thing I wonder is what I did to make them feel that way.  It’s obvious that I’ve done something, but I don’t know what.  I end up feeling hurt and rejected.  I’ve finally reached a place of feeling so lonely, inadequate, and pretty much worthless, that I’m starting to not blame people for wanting to cut ties with me.  If I met me on the street, I wouldn’t want to be my friend either.

While I’m seeing a psychiatrist, it’s not enough.  A dear friend reminds me frequently that this kind of injury takes time and I’m just an infant in the recovery process.  I’m not going to heal overnight and I should stop expecting myself to wake up one day and suddenly be the person I was before the accident.  Having a brain injury isn’t like breaking a bone.  It could take years for me to regain control of my behavior and emotions.  This scares me, but I have to accept it and friends need to understand that there isn’t any magic solution to speed the healing process.  It is what it is and will get better in time even though I sometimes think I’ll never be happy, loved, wanted/needed, or valued again.

I want to point out that some of my friends have been incredibly supportive during my recovery process.  In particular, Chris, Emily, Elizabeth, and Saul have been there for me regardless of how poor my behavior is.  They remind me that they’re available to talk no matter what.  I don’t always take them up on their kind offers, but it means the world to me that the offer is there in the first place.  I will forever be thankful for their friendships and understanding during my long road to recovery.

1 comment:

  1. sending you a great big hug ... I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this - I'm hoping that your recovery will continue at a more rapid pace and that you'll be feeling "normal" again soon.

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