Brain Overload

“You mention in your book that you’re sure repeated head injuries where one of the factors that lead to your Parkinson’s disease.  As a cyclist with a recent traumatic brain injury and the daughter of a man with young onset Parkinson’s, I’m curious, do you know of any research that supports this and shows a connection between the two?”

What followed was a long awkward silence as Davis Phinney tried to find the words to answer my loaded question.  When he finally spoke, he said one simple word, “No.”

For five months, I’ve been searching for an answer.  Countless hours have been spent online combing through neurology and sports injury publications to no avail.  That is, until yesterday evening.

Through a post made by Saul Raisin, I discovered brainline.org.  The site is dedicated to those living with traumatic brain injury, their family, and friends.  When I had some free time, I explored the site and found some very interesting information.  Two things in particular stood out to me. 

The first of which was a link to an outside article titled Traumatic brain injury ‘may lead to Parkinson’s’.  Wow, I finally have my answer and it’s certainly not the answer I wanted.  Only time will tell, but knowing this didn’t stop me from reaching a point of overload while reading the article and browsing other parts of brainline.org.  Having spent the last 20 years watching my father’s health deteriorate due to his PD, I’ve become more frightened of being diagnosed with PD than I am of being diagnosed with cancer.  They can cure (many) cancers, there is no cure for PD.

The second piece that stood out was an article called Lost & Found: What Brain Injury Survivors Want You to Know.  It pretty much sums up how I feel and what I’ve wanted to tell people, but I haven't been able to put my feelings into coherent words. 

There are so many times that I feel like I’m giving up because I find that I just can’t work anymore.  By the end of the workweek (or in some cases, the workday), I feel so mentally fatigued and overwhelmed with things I have to finish, that my ability to follow through with tasks evaporates and I shut down completely.  Since the new school year began, I’ve gone from hardly sleeping at all to oversleeping in the morning (I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night though).  As a result of being tired all of the time, my concentration levels are ultra-low, which only serves to make matters worse.

The challenge now is going to be getting my coworkers to understand that if I leave early, I’m not avoiding my work.  If I don’t volunteer for extra duties, it’s not because I’m lazy.  If something isn’t done in time, it’s not because I’m apathetic.  It’s likely because I’m feeling overwhelmed.  Each day is a struggle just to get through my immediate responsibilities with my students.  I simply can’t take on any more responsibilities or pick up their slack as I did prior to my accident.  I’m putting in the 100% effort that I’m capable of at this time.

I just wish I wasn't so uncomfortable that my 100% isn’t the same as it once was.