Brain Overload

“You mention in your book that you’re sure repeated head injuries where one of the factors that lead to your Parkinson’s disease.  As a cyclist with a recent traumatic brain injury and the daughter of a man with young onset Parkinson’s, I’m curious, do you know of any research that supports this and shows a connection between the two?”

What followed was a long awkward silence as Davis Phinney tried to find the words to answer my loaded question.  When he finally spoke, he said one simple word, “No.”

For five months, I’ve been searching for an answer.  Countless hours have been spent online combing through neurology and sports injury publications to no avail.  That is, until yesterday evening.

Through a post made by Saul Raisin, I discovered brainline.org.  The site is dedicated to those living with traumatic brain injury, their family, and friends.  When I had some free time, I explored the site and found some very interesting information.  Two things in particular stood out to me. 

The first of which was a link to an outside article titled Traumatic brain injury ‘may lead to Parkinson’s’.  Wow, I finally have my answer and it’s certainly not the answer I wanted.  Only time will tell, but knowing this didn’t stop me from reaching a point of overload while reading the article and browsing other parts of brainline.org.  Having spent the last 20 years watching my father’s health deteriorate due to his PD, I’ve become more frightened of being diagnosed with PD than I am of being diagnosed with cancer.  They can cure (many) cancers, there is no cure for PD.

The second piece that stood out was an article called Lost & Found: What Brain Injury Survivors Want You to Know.  It pretty much sums up how I feel and what I’ve wanted to tell people, but I haven't been able to put my feelings into coherent words. 

There are so many times that I feel like I’m giving up because I find that I just can’t work anymore.  By the end of the workweek (or in some cases, the workday), I feel so mentally fatigued and overwhelmed with things I have to finish, that my ability to follow through with tasks evaporates and I shut down completely.  Since the new school year began, I’ve gone from hardly sleeping at all to oversleeping in the morning (I can’t remember the last time I slept through the night though).  As a result of being tired all of the time, my concentration levels are ultra-low, which only serves to make matters worse.

The challenge now is going to be getting my coworkers to understand that if I leave early, I’m not avoiding my work.  If I don’t volunteer for extra duties, it’s not because I’m lazy.  If something isn’t done in time, it’s not because I’m apathetic.  It’s likely because I’m feeling overwhelmed.  Each day is a struggle just to get through my immediate responsibilities with my students.  I simply can’t take on any more responsibilities or pick up their slack as I did prior to my accident.  I’m putting in the 100% effort that I’m capable of at this time.

I just wish I wasn't so uncomfortable that my 100% isn’t the same as it once was.

Where to Start?

I’m so overwhelmed by the last couple of weeks that I don’t even know where to begin.  Logic tells me to rehash the good stuff in chronological order, but even then, I know there’s enough material for a few blog entries.  Yes, my vacation was that exciting.

I started off in Greenville, SC.  Well, not really, I started at home, but my first real destination was Greenville for USPro.  I’ve never been and since they moved the event to the first weekend of vacation, it only seemed appropriate that I make the cross-country flight out to South Carolina to see the race.

Yes, completely reasonable to fly several thousand miles to watch a bike race.  Nothing strange about that at all.

I was greeted at the airport by D’Andrea and Anita.  I’d never met Anita before, but I’ve met D’Andrea a couple of times.  Despite this, I feel like I’ve known both them forever.  It’s amazing the bonds people can form over social media and a shared love of bike racing and argyle.  Upon arrival at the hotel, I was greeted by even more people, there was alcohol involved, laughter, fun, and then some much needed sleep.

Sunday started with the South Carolina State Road Race.  Actually, that’s not true, it really started with a somewhat awkward conversation with Davis and Taylor Phinney in the hotel restaurant about a butt pillow that was given to BMC’s Chris Butler by a Diva, but I digress.

During my first full day in the South, I was floored by good old fashioned Southern hospitality when the owner of the home in front of which we set up camp at the state road race, graciously offered us the use of his bathroom throughout the day.  Really… how cool is that?  And yes, we did take him up on his offer on numerous occasions.  

The real party started Sunday evening.  It involved chalk, a rather large group of cycling fans, and Paris Mountain.  I was there to cheer on my NorCal guys so some riders who normally wouldn’t find much support so far from home got some customized art up on the hill.  Of course, photos were taken, pics were tweeted, riders were thrilled, and lives were changed forever.  Okay, maybe that last part is a bit of a stretch, but you never know.

For Max Jenkins and Chris Jones of United Healthcare 

Paul Mach and Andy Jacques-Maynes of Bissell, but I couldn't forget Ted King even though he doesn't live in NorCal, he does occasionally train here

Monday, of course was the big day - my first national championship.  After properly meeting Davis Phinney that morning and gushing ever so subtly about how much I was enjoying his book (more on that in a later blog), we headed downtown to set up for the race.

Early on, my friend, Dan, directed me to where the riders would be signing in and I would be able to get some great photos, and if I do say so myself, there was mucho success.  I went out of my way to personally wish my NorCal guys luck, by name, and got quite a few bright smiles of surprise.  Or maybe it was fear when they realized they recognized me from local NorCal races and they worried that they were being stalked.  I may never know…

Taylor Phinney seemed relaxed after a less than pleasing time trial on Saturday

One of my favorite shots - Tejay van Garderen leading a group into a turn

(Long sentence alert!)  Toward the end of the race, after a long day screaming for Ted King who coincidentally made the late break to eventually finish third overall (which we all know is the best), thanks in part, I’m sure, to my screaming, Becky’s hand knit socks, and JTKatz’s jar of Spekuloos, I was handed a press pass and practically thrown onto the course with the legitimate photographers (deep breath!).  Again, it’s that Southern hospitality rearing it’s oh so pretty head.

Because of that borrowed press pass, I was able to get shots like these:

The sprint and photo finish between George Hincapie and Matthew Busche

Ted King was thrilled with finishing on the podium... very excited for him! 

Matthew Busche was interviewed on stage as Ted King and George Hincapie shared a few comments

Going to USPro was an incredible experience and I was constantly reminded about how cool it was that an American was guaranteed to win.  What I saw of Greenville and South Carolina was beautiful even though I nearly became a puddle in the heat, which wasn’t that bad until you factored in the humidity. 

My vacation had gotten off to a most excellent beginning.

The rest of my photos can be seen here: Sign in and call ups; race and podium.

Impatiently Building Momentum

It’s been four weeks since my accident and while things are moving very slowly in the recovery department, I think I may have had a bit of a psychological breakthrough a week ago after a tough first week back at work.

On March 26, I drove (yes, I drove!) up to Forestville with my friend, Chris, to meet up with some others for an evening of photography and stories from Scott Nydam of BMC Racing. 

I was a bit nervous meeting Scott, but the wine that I probably shouldn't have been drinking gave me courage to talk to him. It turns out that he's super nice and even asked how I was doing after my friend told him I'd recently suffered a brain injury. I’ve been following Scott’s racing career for a while and was heartbroken when it ended early due to repeated brain injuries. Last fall, Scott went to Rwanda to work with their national cycling team. He’s been sharing photos from his trip and the beauty of Rwanda frequently amazed me. Reading the stories of the riders, I was awestruck.  I'm now inspired by the work Scott is doing.

Fellow TBI survivor, Scott Nydam

Two things occurred to me during his presentation, the first of which is that in comparison to many others, my injuries are definitely on the mild side. However, each time I think about how lucky I am it scares me because this accident could have caused permanent damage (thanks again Giro!). Once I get back on the bike, I’ll be doing so with a great amount of trepidation, especially when it comes to descending because I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy and I certainly don’t want another similar injury.

The second thing is that in comparison to the lives of the guys on Team Rwanda, my life is easy peasy. These men have faced unimaginable horrors, and yet they continue to live their lives and follow their dreams. I feel that I have little right to complain and I should be doing more to help those who have real problems. Not that I’ll be going to Rwanda any time soon, but the thought has crossed my mind to find a local organization to work with. Perhaps I can find something regional for people with traumatic brain injuries…

However, my ability to help right now is extremely limited due to my injuries. As a teacher, each day I go into work hoping to make a difference for at least one student. And each day is a struggle trying to reach them. Now, due to my injuries, I feel that each day is a struggle for even basic communication, let alone inspiring a student to push his or herself a more.

I become agitated when I feel they don’t understand me and I question my clarity. I become even more agitated when I can’t understand them and I can sense that some of them are too (at least judging by an eyeroll I got when I had to ask a student three times to repeat what he said). If I can’t maintain patience with myself, how can I maintain it toward my students? The ability to stay calm and level headed in high stress situations has always been an enormous sense of pride with me. In fact, administrators have commended me for it. It kills me, daily, to know that I currently don’t possess that skill in the same manner as before.

Many people have reminded me to take my recovery day by day and I’ll get there, back to my old self. As a person that responds well to deadlines, I desperately want to know when that day will come and once again, it pisses me off not knowing. I’ve got things to do, people to help, and a world to change.

Postcard Perfect Fondo

Subtitled: Levi, a Few National Champs, McDreamy, the LCC, and Me
Sub-subtitled: We Now Know What it Takes to Beat Alberto Contador

A few weeks ago when I rode with Chris Horner he said to me, "Levi is always bragging about the weather in Santa Rosa, but everytime I'm there it's pouring rain."  His loss because while Chris was off racing in Europe, he missed some weather that was far from the sucky Tour of California and training camp downpours he's become accustomed to experiencing.

Another year of Levi Leipheimer’s King Ridge GranFondo is in the books. A day of fun in the sun and puke dodging descents. I can’t help but to feel a bit saddened by this. Well, the fun part, but I can do without the puke aspect of the day. I’ve been looking forward to this event with a mixture of excitement and trepidation since registering last December. Yes, that’s right… I hadn’t been looking forward to it since last October immediately following my first participation.

This year is different though and I simply can’t wait to return.

I could barely make out the start from where I was staged.

Last year was rough. I was unprepared and unfamiliar with the route. I’d only been riding a road bike for a month and didn’t have proper training under my belt. After deciding to return for round two, I took my training somewhat seriously. This year, I was prepared. Unfortunately, I always ended up stuck behind people that weren’t prepared.

This was the first time I’ve ever dropped people while climbing. I’m not strong in this department. Far from it. However, while I was pushing myself uphill I repeatedly said to myself, “It’s just like the elliptical. It’s just like the elliptical at the gym.” Knowing I can go for a long time on the elliptical, this mantra seemed to work in getting me through some tough spots.

It’s also the first time that I’ve ever seen so many cyclists on the road that the entire peloton comes to a complete halt for no reason other than the fact that there were too many riders that either couldn’t climb or couldn’t take a turn on a descent. It’s bound to happen when you have 6,058 cyclists on the tiny roads of Sonoma County.

Postcard perfect day in Sonoma County!

Regardless of the difficulties on the road with traffic, everyone was incredibly friendly and I didn’t once have SAG have to ask me if I was okay. People remained patient and outgoing throughout the entire ride. Of course, the real fun began once I returned to the festival.

I quickly found Martha Van of Action Wipes fame and she immediately saw to my cleanliness needs by handing me a refreshing wipe before I met up with another tweep, Chris, for the first time at Mama Duck’s home (aka, the Action Wipes booth). We gabbed about the ride and how the day was going, spent some time lounging in the shade, and explored the festival.

At one point in the afternoon, Martha says to me, “Michelle, there’s Levi!” I turned around and eventually found him visiting with a group two booths over. Martha talked me into going over there to have my picture taken with him. The conversation went something like this:

Martha: Excuse me; can we get your picture?
Levi: Oh, sure!
Eventually the photo is taken and Levi thanks us for coming.
Me: No, thank you for putting on this event!
Martha indicating to me: She rode too.
Levi looks me over: Oh, you look like it.

As Martha and I walked away, I turned to her and said, “Did Levi Leipheimer just say I look like crap?”  Martha will tell the story differently, but I'm pretty sure it was my physical appearance he was referring to and not the fact that I was still wearing my gear.  I mean, just because I'm wearing the clothes doesn't mean I ride.  Maybe I wear those clothes to work all of the time. 

There was more hanging around (and some mild stalking of Patrick Dempsey) until eventually it was time for Levi to address the crowd. Of course, I sat there taking a bunch of photos.

Levi and Patrick Dempsey were interviewed after the ride.

US National Champion, Ben King shared a few words too.

  

Levi's wife, Odessa Gunn, talks about Forget Me Not Farm and admits that she's afraid of kids.

One of the funnier moments of the interview was during the Q&A portion when a fan asked Levi, "What does it take to beat Alberto Contador?"  Without skipping a beat Levi responded, "Andy Schleck."

Biggest regret? I didn’t get photos of the @LCC_Cycling members @GregKnottLeMond, @MarthaVan, @jaowen, @budzilla1, @ChrisAGriffin, @HomeInspectorSR, @experiement626, @SDVeloSocial or any of the other wonderfully friendly folks I met along the way.

All in all... it was a very good day.  Now it's time to start training for the Medio.

More photos can be found here.

Tour of California Week, Part IV: Memorable Modesto

Tour of California Week, Part I
Tour of California Week, Part II
Tour of California Week, Part III

I can’t remember the last time I received flowers from a man. Oh wait, yes I can… it was 1995.  Not that this qualifies as the same thing, but I'll take these as a gift anyhow.

Hope I don't have to wait another fifteen years...

The day started out gorgeous and I found myself thinking at one point that with the move to May the riders would complain about the heat. My opinions on this matter quickly changed as a high cloud cover began to roll in. Over a couple of hours, the cover became thicker. By the time the race was showing on the screen, the temperature had dropped noticeably and a few drops of rain had started to fall. I’d spent all day in the sun, sitting on a corner in direct sight of the finish line, to be rained on. Obviously not ideal, especially if you’re trying to get pictures. Luckily, the rain stopped and the roads started to dry before the peloton reached downtown.

As the riders flew by, I snapped photo after photo just as I did for the first stage. However, the lens I was using wasn’t as cooperative when the riders came around the corner. Life isn’t Burger King; I can’t have it my way, but this didn’t stop me from trying and cheering my heart out.

Cervelo leading into the first turn of the circuit, Levi Leipheimer and Dave Zabriskie staying up front

The real action came after the race.

See, the corner I situated myself on turned out to be golden. Once the riders plowed through the finish, they came down to the corner and stopped to turn around and return to either the podium or their team buses. I caught interactions between soigneurs and their riders, teammates, and even riders from different teams.

Jens Voigt (Saxo Bank) congratulates Francesco Chicchi (Liquigas) on his win

My favorite moment came when I noticed Mark Cavendish pedaling slowly back towards me with a soigneur’s arm around his shoulder. The soigneur was leaning in closely, speaking to Cav in a very intimate manner. Neither of them was smiling and I realized that Cav was being consoled.

Mark Cavendish and his look of pain, suffering, and extreme disappointment

I was able to capture a few choice moments of congratulations and comfort from my vantage point and I honestly didn’t think things would get any better. After a few minutes, a course marshal approached and removed the barrier that was keeping spectators off the course. I asked if I could go through and pointed down the street to the finish line and was allowed to do so.

As I made my way down the street, I started getting the distinct feeling that I didn’t belong there. Trying to look as confident as possible with my camera in hand and Garmin-Transitions inspired messenger bag over my shoulder, I briskly approached the podium area. I was the only fan there, but nobody stopped me so I made myself comfortable.

Again, I struck gold. Dave Zabriskie was already on stage waiting to be presented with the leader’s jersey, something I missed in Sacramento. By the time the presentation began, many fans had filled in the gaping hole behind me. I just did my thing and enjoyed the moment. As each rider was presented with his jersey, he tossed his bouquet into the crowd. My first thought was, “I want DZ’s flowers!” Guess I missed the boat on that one. Each rider was throwing his flowers about five feet to my left. Oh well.

Dave Zabriskie (Garmin-Transitions) is golden

Eventually, Peter Sagan of Liquigas was brought on stage and presented with the jersey for Best Young Rider. After he received his kisses from the podium hostesses, he did a quick scan of the crowd. I don’t know what made me do it, but I raised my hand and waved. Imagine my surprise when he actually threw his flowers to me. The woman next to me reached in front of me to make a grab for them and we had a little scuffle, laughing. “We’re like bridesmaids at a wedding!” We ended up splitting the flowers, which was nice of her since he threw them to me in the first place.

Peter Sagan (Liquigas) receives the Best Young Rider jersey

I immediately tweeted, “I just got Liquigas Best Young Rider’s flowers.” (I was too excited to try to type an exclamation point, possibly kinda maybe shaking a little bit.  In fact, I don't recall using an apostrophe either.)

Totally gratuitous photo of Lars Boom because he's beautiful and has a cool name

When the presentation was over, I turned to leave and was stopped by a woman who asked, “Are you Michelle?” She held up her Blackberry and showed me the tweet I’d made about Sagan’s flowers. Turns out she was one of my tweeps, Jen (@jenfairfax), who was working as a course marshal for the Tour and is every bit as awesome in person. We got to talking and ended up sending D’Andrea a text to meet in the hotel bar for drinks.  D'Andrea brought me a Tour of California shirt... thanks!

Of course, the excitement didn’t stop there because Jen let me hold Jens Voigt’s water bottle that she picked up the previous day. The thing still had liquid in it!

My street cred went up about 17.38% because I held Jens Voigt's bottle

Yeah, I’d say it was a pretty exciting tour and I most certainly have fond memories and connections now.  I can't wait until next year!

"Chasing" George

George Hincapie is one of those guys that I can’t help but root for. I don’t know why. I guess I just sense that he’s a man of great character and we should want more men like that representing our country in an international sport such as cycling. Plus, he rocks the US National Champion kit.

My morning started early. Crazy early. Like some of you may have just been getting to bed kind of early. The intention was to get up at 4:00 AM, but since I have chronic insomnia and some sort of issue with waking up an hour before I need to, I was out of bed by 3:30. Turned out to be a good thing because it allowed me to hit the road early and arrive at the start of the Amgen Breakaway Ride an hour before it was due to begin.

There weren’t many people there when I arrived. Just a collection of volunteers, early birds, and oh… George Hincapie. Yes, Big George was also an hour early and rolled up on his BMC at the same time I arrived.

Since I wasn’t there to ride, I just wandered a bit and took photos, desperately hoping to get at least one good shot of George. I watched him give interviews, sign autographs, and take a few pictures with fans. Everyone that approached him turned away with a glowing smile, not only thrilled to have this rare opportunity to ride with a pro cyclist, but to ride with the US National Champion and one of the most popular riders in the pro peloton.

George Hincapie interviewing with the local NBC affiliate, KCRA - Sacramento

After my brief hour of observing George Hincapie’s interaction with the media and fans, I’ve concluded that he’s definitely one of the “nice guys.” Nice guys don’t always finish last and it doesn’t have to be a tragedy when he doesn’t win. His positive attitude is much more important that winning races and truly sets him apart.

Waiting to address the crowd before the 113 mile ride from Davis, CA to Santa Rosa, CA

 

George thanked everyone for supporting the cause and reminded riders to be safe - Right back at ya Big George!

 
Additional photos can be seen on my flickr page here.